


DS9 Senior Command Chat

by Holdingoutforavillain



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Everyone Is Alive, Everyone is Queer, Jewish Worf, Multi, aroace Jean-Luc Picard, everyone is chaotic good, incapable of writing a story in which the plot moves forward in any meaningful way, its ya boy - Freeform, mentioned Data/Geordi, so enjoy this chat fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25270534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holdingoutforavillain/pseuds/Holdingoutforavillain
Summary: When a new shipment of PADD's arrive at Deep Space Nine, Jadzia Dax decides to utilize the group chat feature.
Relationships: Benjamin Sisko/Kasidy Yates, Dukat/Damar, Jadzia Dax/Kira Nerys, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak, Leeta/Rom (Star Trek), Odo/Quark (Star Trek), William Riker/Deanna Troi/Worf
Comments: 65
Kudos: 189





	1. The Name Game

**Author's Note:**

> This is in a document titled "Dumb Shit Central" so that should give you context as to what kind of content to expect here. Enjoy!  
> #letKirasayfuck

Jadzia Dax _has started a group chat._

Jadzia Dax _has renamed the chat_ “Senior Command DS9”.

Jadzia Dax _has added_ CDR. Sisko, Maj. Kira, Cst. Odo, Lt. Worf, Dr. Bashir, Chief O’Brien, _and_ Ensign Nog _to the chat._

Jadzia Dax: ‘Sup fuckers!

Miles O’Brien: Jadzia, i stg im too busy for this shit.

Nog: ummm. wha?

Nog: am i senior command now??

Ben Sisko: No! Jadzia, grow up.

Ben Sisko: I apologize Ensign, Jadzia appears to have stumbled onto the shipment of PADDs Chief O’Brien was supposed to be unpacking.

Miles O’Brien: how the fuck did you wire the new model to get it to send messages to our old models???

Ben Sisko: language.

Jadzia Dax: maybe I’m just a genius. Didja think of that? And nog bb I think you’ll be senior command soon, so I added you.

Ben Sisko: He's only been an ensign a week, old man.

Odo: Could someone who knows how to work this machine remove me from this garish monstrosity of a conversation?

Worf: I second that.

Jadzia Dax: no

Miles O’Brien: I take back being too busy. The replimats can wait.

Nog: My uncle is going to have words for you.

Ben Sisko: Ahem. I am afraid I agree with the 200 year old child in the chat. This could serve a real purpose in keeping us informed and aware of the going’s on around the station.

Worf: I understand your logic, Commander Sisko. I am willing to stay if it remains strictly business.

Jadzia Dax: oh boo.

Odo: hmmf. Fine.

Kira Nerys: Dis yoi jus type hnnf?

Ben Sisko: **@Julian Bashir** I think the Major has suffered a stroke.

Nog: u ok???

Julian Bashir: “She's in the medbay with a broken arm no don't touch that on my period kira seriously stop trying typing” - Sent with voice chat.

Miles O’Brien: this is better than television tbh

Kira Nerys: someone tell Julian he’s overrrrresding

Kira Nerys: “he took my pad” - Sent with voice chat.

Ben Sisko: **@Kira Nerys** let the doctor do his job.

Kira Nerys _is now offline._

Julian Bashir: “come get your girlfriend jasmine” - Sent with voice chat.

Jadzia Dax: I assume that’s me. Hmm. Let me spice this up first.

Jadzia Dax _changed their name to_ Bow Down to Dax.

Bow Down to Dax _changed_ CDR. Sisko’ _s name to_ Good For The Soul Food.

GoodForTheSoulFood: I am disappointed in your behavior, though not surprised.

Bow Down to Dax _changed_ Maj. Kira’ _s name to_ Nerys Get Your Gun.

Bow Down to Dax _changed_ Cst. Odo’ _s name to_ Goo.

Goo _is now offline._

Bow Down to Dax _changed_ Lt. Worf _’s name to_ Dad Bod Time.

Dad Bod Time: Jadzia, I insist you tell me what that means!

Dad Bod Time: Jadzia!

Dad Bod Time: Jadzia!

Bow Down to Dax _changed_ Dr. Bashir _’s name to_ Hot For Tailor.

Hot For Tailor: “why are we even friends wait stop kira lie down please” - Sent with voice chat.

Bow Down to Dax _changed_ Chief O’Brien _’s name to_ Haggis.

Haggis: thAT’S SCOTTISH YOU UNCULTURED SWINE

Bow Down to Dax _changed_ Ensign Nog _’s name to_ Cinnamon Roll

Cinnamon Roll: what’s a cinnamon roll?

Bow Down to Dax: it’s u.

Bow Down to Dax _is now offline._

Cinnamon Roll: i… am still confused.

Hot For Tailor: “It’s a human dessert. I believe it refers to a ‘sweet’ person. like Garak kira shut up i will give you a sedative” - Sent with voice chat.

Good For the Soul Food: If you would like to come over tomorrow, Nog, I can cook some for you.

Cinnamon Roll: Thanks, Commander! ill pick some juice from my uncle.

Cinnamon Roll _is now offline._

Bad Bod Time _is now offline._

Hot For Tailor _is now offline._

Haggis: what are you still doing here, sir?

Good For the Soul Food: call it a gut feeling, wormhole aliens, or Bajoran prophets, but something is telling me that I should never leave any of you online without adult supervision.

Haggis: I don’t know what to call it eitger, sir, but i suspect it's right.

Haggis: I’ll get back to work now, sir.

Haggis _is now offline._

Good For the Soul Food _is now offline._


	2. Rude Awakenings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sisko is often the bearer of bad news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are short af but i had inspiration so I chose to write while i could.

Good For the Soul Food  _ is now online. _

Good For the Soul Food: **@everyone** Please sound off w/ location.

Goo  _ is now online. _

Goo: I am in my office.

Nerys Get Your Gun  _ is now online. _

Nerys Get Your Gun: Commander its 0200. I’m in my bed.

Bow Down to Dax  _ is now online. _

Bow Down to Dax: Are we under attack or smth? 

Bow Down to Dax: oh im in Kira’s bed.

Haggis  _ is now online. _

Haggis: we better be undr attack, becae Keiko is ready to throw hands after getti woken up.

Dad Bod Time  _ is now online _ .

Dad Bod Time: this is riker, worf’s getting dressed rn.

Haggis: riKER

Bow Down to Dax: ooooooooohhhhhhhhhh getting dressed hm ;););)

Good For the Soul Food: Old man, what if we’re under attack right now? 

Bow Down to Dax: then I’m lightening the mood.

Bow Down to Dax: wait were not under attack right?

Bow Down to Dax: benjamin????

Good For the Soul Food: … **@Hot for Tailor** , **@Cinnamon Roll** sound off. 

Good For the Soul Food: I failed to realize how unfortunate these names would be when I actually need assistance.

Cinnamon Roll  _ is now online. _

Cinnamon Roll: I’m in my quarters sir!

Hot For Tailor  _ is now online. _

Hot For Tailor: sorry sir, i fell asleep in the medbay. 

Good For the Soul Food: I have just been informed that all Senior Officers of non-mobile Space Stations will be expected to do battle drills at least once per month.

Nerys Get Your Gun: and we couldn’t do the battle drills during daytime?

Dad Bod Time: the enemy rarely respects the boundaries of night and day.

Bow Down to Dax: welcome back worf. 

Haggis: tell ur boyfriend he owes me money.

Good For the Soul Food: Ahem. The Lieutenant is correct. The new battle drills are required to be both started and completed between 2400 and 0400. All of you will arrive at Holosuite 4 at Quark's in 20 minutes. Come prepared, please.

Nerys Get Your Gun: yes, commander.

Bow Down to Dax: fine.

Goo: on it, sir.

Cinnamon Roll: on my way!

Cinnamon Roll  _ is now offline. _

Haggis: yes, sir.

Dad Bod Time: Yes, Commander.

Good For the Soul Food: oh, and Lt. Worf?

Good For the Soul Food: Tell your boyfriend he’s welcome to join us.

Haggis: OH

Bow Down to Dax: My

Nerys Get Your Gun: PROPHETS

Dad Bod Time  _ is now offline. _

Goo: Ha.

Goo  _ is now offline. _

Haggis  _ is now offline. _

Nerys Get Your Gun  _ is now offline. _

Bow Down to Dax: sometimes I wonder how someone as straight-laced as you fell into kahoots with someone like Curzon.

Good For the Soul Food: “sometimes”?

Bow Down to Dax: then you go and say something like this and I wonder how the two of you ever managed to part.

Bow Down to Dax  _ is now offline. _

Good For the Soul Food: I'd argue we never did, old man.

Good For the Soul Food  _ is now offline. _

-

Cinnamon Roll  _ is now online. _

Cinnamon Roll: AWW cmon i miss all the fun stuff. Someone add riker to the chat.

  
  
  



	3. It’s called fashion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira has a fashion emergency.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a little bit of implied sexy at the end, so keep that in mind.

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now online._

Nerys Get Your Gun: **@everyone** someone add Garak to the chat!!

Nerys Get Your Gun: **@Bow Down to Dax**

Bow Down to Dax _is now online._

Bow Down to Dax: im napping.

Hot For Tailor _is now online._

Hot For Tailor _has added_ Mr. Garak _to the chat._

Garak: I’m afraid there’s been some sort of mistake, doctor. This appears to be the senior command chat.

Bow Down to Dax _changed_ Mr. Garak’ _s name to_ Hot For Doctor.

Hot For Tailor: “I thought you were napping” - Sent with voice chat.

Hot For Doctor: If this truly is the senior command chat, I believe I have reason to fear for the safety of this station.

Haggis _is now online._

Haggis: been saying that for years.

Haggis _is now offline._

Good For the Soul Food _is now online._

Good For the Soul Food: I am putting Mr. Garak and Major Kira in a private room. Will everyone else at least pretend to be doing their jobs instead of… this?

Good For the Soul Food _has created a meeting room._

Good For the Soul Food _has added_ Hot For Doctor _and_ Nerys Get Your Gun _to the meeting room._

_-_

Hot For Doctor: How can I be of service, Major?

Nerys Get Your Gun: i need help

Nerys Get Your Gun: with clothes!

Nerys Get Your Gun: fashion help.

Hot For Doctor: Would you like to come down to my shop? I am quite a slow typer, so I’d probably be more use to you face to face.

Nerys Get Your Gun: If you press the button on the bottom of the padd you can record your voice and it’ll transcribe it for you.

Nerys Get Your Gun: and i cant come to your shop. 

Hot For Doctor: “how does this work oh oh there yes why can’t you come to my shop what do you need help with period oh no question mark” - Sent with voice chat.

Nerys Get Your Gun: Kai Opaka was left in the Gamma Quadrent 2 years ago next week.

Nerys Get Your Gun: Shakaar has formally asked I accompany him to a celebration of her life taking place on the anniversary.

Nerys Get Your Gun: but her mother will be there and she blames Starfleet and the Bajoran Military for the loss of her daughter, and so i’ve been instructed not to wear my uniform.

Hot For Doctor: “ah I see. I assume you do not have civilian clothes worthy of the event.” - Sent with voice chat.

Nerys Get Your Gun: I don't have civilian clothes. 

Hot For Doctor: “I see. I’d be happy to help, but I don’t see what any of this has to do with not coming into my shop.” - Sent with voice chat.

Nerys Get Your Gun: Shakaar still has men aboard DS9. If they see me buying from a Cardassian I’ll be skewered alive. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: In front of all the Vedeks!

Hot For Doctor: “I...I will choose not to pursue that line of questioning any further, Major. What are you looking for in terms of your clothing for this event?” - Sent with voice chat.

Nerys Get Your Gun: A dress. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: Or a suit. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: Or a skirt. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: Or shorts. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: I’ll pay double if you don’t make me decide what it is.

Hot For Doctor: “Consider it done, Major.” - Sent with voice chat.

Hot For Doctor _is now offline._

Nerys Get Your Gun _has left the meeting room._

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now offline._

_-_

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now online._

Nerys Get Your Gun _has sent a private message to_ Bow Down to Dax.

Nerys Get Your Gun: Garak smuggled me this under the counter at Quark's. How do I look, Zia?

Nerys Get Your Gun: [ **newclothes.jpg** ](https://editorial01.shutterstock.com/wm-preview-450/9067296ez/0d5533f4/star-trek-discovery-tv-show-premiere-arrivals-los-angeles-usa-shutterstock-editorial-9067296ez.jpg)

Bow Down to Dax _is now online._

Bow Down to Dax: where are you? Ill tell you in person.

Nerys Get Your Gun: my quarters. This dress was not cheap, you can't ruin it!

Bow Down to Dax: it won’t stay on long enough babe.

Bow Down to Dax _is now offline._

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now offline._

  
  
  
  



	4. Ferengi Family Values

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nog gets an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please know there is a mention of thr*wing up phrased as 'loosing [one's] lunch' partway through (said by Quark).  
> Otherwise, enjoy!

Goo _is now online_.

Goo: **@everyone** will someone please change my name! 

Goo: Quark saw it and he has now reserved me a spot at the bar that reads Goo.

Bow Down to Dax _is now online._

Bow Down to Dax _changed_ Goo’ _s name to_ This is my Emotional Support Ferengi.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I am starting to see the Founders’ point about the inferiority and emotional immaturity of solids.

Bow Down to Dax: love you too.

Nerys Get Your Gun: HAHA good one Zia. 

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Kira. Do you not find this to be silly?

Nerys Get Your Gun: im making up for my lack of childhood, back off.

Cinnamon Roll _is now online_.

Cinnamon Roll _is now offline._

Bow Down to Dax: What’s he up to?

-

Cinnamon Roll _is now online._

Cinnamon Roll _has started a group chat._

Cinnamon Roll _has renamed the group chat_ “the fam”.

Cinnamon Roll _has added_ Leeta, Rom, Ishka, _and_ Quark _to the chat._

Cinnamon Roll _changed_ Leeta’s _name to_ You Spin Me ‘Round.

Cinnamon Roll _changed_ Rom’ _s name to_ Moogie.

Cinnamon Roll _changed_ Quark’ _s name to_ This is my Emotional Support Changeling. 

Cinnamon Roll _changed_ Ishka’ _s name to_ Smash the Patriarchy.

Smash the Patriarchy: Nog, hello! 

Cinnamon Roll: Hi, grandmoogie! 

You Spin Me ‘Round: Noggie! Hello, Ishka.

Cinnamon Roll: Leeta!

Smash the Patriarchy: Leeta!

Moogie: Moogie!

Cinnamon Roll: Dad!

Moogie: Nog!

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: NOG

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: What is this?!

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Why is this my nickname?!

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: **@Smash the Patriarchy** where did you even get a PADD? Sisko doesn’t give those to non-residents! 

Moogie: maybe she asked Sisko for it?

Smash the Patriarchy: Never ask when you can take.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: YOU WILL NOT TELL ME RULES OF ACQUISITION IN MY OWN FAMILY CHAT.

Moogie: ignore him moogie.

Moogie: wait nog why am i moogie?

Cinnamon Roll: No reason.

You Spin Me ‘Round: aww, it’s sweet.

Cinnamon Roll: alright i should probably go back to work but i wanted to test the group chat feature!

Smash the Patriarchy: Stay safe, dear! 

You Spin Me ‘Round: Bye, Nog!

You Spin Me 'Round: You’re still coming over tonight, right? 

Moogie: i know you want to spend time with that jake boy but i made jellied gree worms.

Cinnamon Roll: i’ll be there! Dont worry.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Ugh, this is so sweet. Get back to work, Nog, before I lose my lunch.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: I’ll see you fools at dinner.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling _is now offline._

Smash the Patriarchy: i’ll video chat tonight ! Chrissy kisses

Smash the Patriarchy _is now offline._

Moogie _is now offline._

You Spin Me ‘Round _is now offline._

Cinnamon Roll _is now offline._

-

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _has sent a private message to_ Bow Down to Dax.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Do you remember uttering the phrase ‘what’s he up to’ in reference to Nog?

Bow Down to Dax: sure

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I believe I have found the answer.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: **quark’susername.jpg**

Bow Down to Dax: *sniffles* my baby’s all grown up.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now offline._

-

Bow Down to Dax _has started a video call with_ Nerys Get Your Gun.

Bow Down to Dax _has ended a video call with_ Nerys Get Your Gun.

Nerys Get Your Gun: Ben just asked if I needed an escort to the medbay im laughing so hard. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: emotIONAL SUPPORT CHANGELING

Nerys Get Your Gun: zia i CANNOT. STOP. LAUGUing.


	5. Jadzia's Birthday Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Planning a surprise party aboard DS9 is a lot of work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got long, but enjoy.

Good For the Soul Food _is now online._

Good For the Soul Food _has created a new chat._

Good For the Soul Food _has renamed the chat “_ Jadzia’s birthday planning _”._

Good For the Soul Food _has added_ Nerys Get Your Gun, Haggis, Hot For Tailor, Hot For Doctor, Dad Bod Time, Cinnamon Roll, This is my Emotional Support Ferengi, This is my Emotional Support Changeling, Jake Sisko, Keiko O’Brien, _and_ Kaga _to the chat._

Good For the Soul Food _changed_ Jake Sisko’ _s name to_ World’s Okayest Son.

World’s Okayest Son _is now online._

World’s Okayest Son: WOW

World’s Okayest Son: is this because of what happened yesterday??

World’s Okayest Son: because that mac’n’cheese was undER SEASONED

Cinnamon Roll _is now online._

Cinnamon Roll: it was that utterance that doomed Jake Sisko to be murdered at the hands of his father.

World’s Okayest Son: IT WAS UNDER SEASONED

Cinnamon Roll: sometimes I can still hear his voice.

Keiko O’Brien _is now online._

Keiko O’Brien: It’s Jadzia’s birthday soon?

Haggis _is now online._

Haggis _changed_ Keiko O’Brien’ _s name to_ Flower Power.

Flower Power: HAGGIS

Flower Power: what on earth are these nicknames?

Good For the Soul Food: Yes, Keiko, her birthday is in three days. I have assembled **@everyone** here to plan her a surprise party. It will take place at 1800.

Dad Bod Time _is now online._

Dad Bod Time: What is a ‘surprise’ party?

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now online._

World’s Okayest Son: it means she doesn’t know it’s going to happen.

Dad Bod Time: What is the appeal in that?

World’s Okayest Son: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Haggis: HOW DID YOU TYPE THAT ON THIS DOGSHIT KEYBOARD

Flower Power: MILES watch your language.

Good For the Soul Food: AHEM. Major Kira and I have made some plans that would require your assistance. **@That is my Emotional Support Changeling** would you allow the party to take place in your bar?

That is my Emotional Support Changeling: how much latinum do I get for it?

Good For the Soul Food _has removed_ That is my Emotional Support Changeling _from the chat._

Good For the Soul Food _has added_ Moogie _to the chat._

Good For the Soul Food: **@Moogie** would you allow us to hold a surprise party for Jadzia Dax in the bar?

Moogie _is now online._

Moogie: of course! what alcohol should we set aside?

Good For the Soul Food: Anything Klingon. 

Good For the Soul Food: **@Dad Bod Time** **@Kaga** any suggestions?

Dad Bod Time: Firewine is an excellent alcohol for consuming over a period of several hours.

Kaga _is now online._

Kaga: I concur.

Kaga: I have a large supply in my restaurant which we could consolidate **@Moogie**

Moogie: i will come over later today!

Good For the Soul Food: My thanks to both of you. Both of you should start a tab under my name.

Kaga: Nonsense. It is a celebration.

Moogie: quark will kill me if i dont. thanks mr sisko

Moogie _is now offline._

Good For the Soul Food: **@Kaga** would you be willing to provide musical entertainment?

Kaga: I would be. I will begin my practicing.

Kaga _is now offline._

Good For the Soul Food: **@Hot For Doctor** could you sew some table runners? Jadzia’s favorite color is blue.

Hot For Doctor _is now online._

Hot For Doctor: “It would be my pleasure.” - Sent with voice chat.

Hot For Doctor _is now offline._

Good For the Soul Food: **@Flower Power** can you assemble some vases full of flowers?

Flower Power: Sure!

Flower Power _is now offline._

Good For the Soul Food: **@Nerys Get Your Gun** , **@This is my Emotional Support Ferengi** , **@Cinnamon Roll** , **@Haggis** , **@Hot For Tailor** I am relying on the five of you to keep this under wraps until the day of the party. 

Good For the Soul Food: **@Hot For Tailor** at 1800 I will need you to tell Jadzia you need to give her a vaccine, then claim you left something at Quark’s. We will be assembled there.

Hot For Tailor _is now online._

Hot For Tailor: I’ll do it if someone changes my nickname.

Nerys Get Your Gun _changed_ Hot For Tailor’ _s name to_ Annoying Twink.

Haggis _changed_ Annoying Twink’ _s name to_ James Bond Wannabe.

Cinnamon Roll _changed_ James Bond Wannabe’ _s name to_ Doctor Dorky, MD.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _changed_ Doctor Dorky, MD’ _s name to_ Dr. Bashir-Garak.

Nerys Get Your Gun: ODO

Haggis: ODO

Cinnamon Roll: ODO

Dr. Bashir-Garak: I recognize my hubris. I will tell Jadzia she needs a vaccine.

Dr. Bashir-Garak _is now offline._

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now offline._

Haggis _is now offline._

Cinnamon Roll _is now offline._

World’s Okayest Son _has taken a screenshot of chat._

World’s Okayest Son _is now offline._

Good For the Soul Food _is now offline._

-

World’s Okayest Son _is now online._

World’s Okayest Son _has started a new chat._

World’s Okayest Son _has renamed the chat “_ Come, little children. _”_

World’s Okayest Son _has added_ Tora Ziyal, Cinnamon Roll, _and_ Rugal Pa’dar _to the chat._

World’s Okayest Son _changed_ Tora Ziyal _’s name to_ Pablo Pic-asshole.

Pablo Pic-asshole _is now online._

Pablo Pic-asshole: I got online to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.

World’s Okayest Son _changed_ Rugal Pa’dar’ _s name to_ Rum Tum Tugger.

Rum Tum Tugger _is now online._

Rum Tum Tugger: do i wanna know what this name references?

World’s Okayest Son: probs not. Y’all wanna see a clusterfuck?

Pablo Pic-asshole: duh.

World’s Okayest Son: **screenshot.jpg**

Rum Tum Tugger: wait Garak and the doctor are dating?

Cinnamon Roll _is now online._

Cinnamon Roll: werent they literally on a date when you met them?

Pablo Pic-asshole: and bIT HIM?

Rum Tum Tugger: wow.

Cinnamon Roll: **@Pablo Pic-asshole** I think Major Kira and Jadzia would love to have you at her birthday party

Pablo Pic-asshole: dad and I are stuck behind a Klingon blockade. Im not going anywhere.

Cinnamon Roll: **@Rum Tum Tugger** can your dad do anything?

Rum Tum Tugger: Kotan and I are quarantined. We have ferengi flu.

World’s Okayest Son: well these padds have a skype feature. U could talk to Kira then we could watch that new trill reality show.

Rum Tum Tugger: ‘Do you want to be my next host?’ count me in.

Pablo Pic-asshole: same

Cinnamon Roll: im down.

World’s Okayest Son: see yall then.

World’s Okayest Son _is now offline._

Rum Tum Tugger _is now offline._

Pablo Pic-asshole _is now offline._

Cinnamon Roll _is now offline._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive been watching the what we do in the shadows tv. who can tell?


	6. Operation 80

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it Julian's fault? Miles'? Read on to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Pablo Pic-asshole finally lives up to their username.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now online._

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _has sent a message to “_ Senior Command Chat”.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: **@Haggis** the doors at Quark’s bar seem to have malfunctioned. They will not open. Please rectify the situation before I commit a felony.

Bow Down to Dax _is now online._

Bow Down to Dax: I believe the problem is affecting the entire Promenade. I’m in Kaga’s for lunch and the doors will not open.

Good For the Soul Food _is now online._

Good For the Soul Food: My door will not open either, and I’m in my office. 

Good For the Soul Food: **@everyone** sound off with door status and location.

Dad Bod Time _is now online._

Dad Bod Time: I am in the Control Room with Nog and three Bajoran officers. The doors to the Commander’s office are sealed, as is the elevator.

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now online._

Nerys Get Your Gun: I’m in the hanger bay with Counselor Troi and Lt. Riker. Our doors are sealed.

Nerys Get Your Gun: I recall a Cardassian-era failsafe called Operation 80 that would seal all doors but I don’t remember what triggers it.

Haggis _is now online._

Haggis: yeah that was julian.

Haggis: Julian and i are in Holosuite 1 in my new ‘Defeat of Boudica’ program and he tried to chop down a tree and hacked into the wall and broke everything

Dr. Bashir-Garak _is now online._

Dr. Bashir-Garak: THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPEBED

Haggis: yes it is

Dr. Bashir-Garak: NO IT ISN”T

Good For the Soul Food: children please behave. How long until it is fixed **@Haggis**

Haggis: an hour tops if i can get my hands on the Cardassian override code.

Good For the Soul Food: **@This is my Emotional Support Ferengi @Nerys Get Your Gun** please tell me you have that code.

Nerys Get Your Gun: oof. no

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: No.

Good For the Soul Food: **@Haggis** how long will it take to fix this without that code?

Haggis: If everything goes perfectly

Haggis: 36 hours?

Dad Bod Time: I am not staying here for 36 hours. 

Bow Down to Dax: Kaga plays nothing but Klingon covers of Hamilton. 

Bow Down to Dax: i mean i love it but a girl can only take so much.

Nerys Get Your Gun: yeah Deanna is already doing her best but i will murder Riker within 10 hours.

Nerys Get Your Gun: and i dont wanna hurt worf like that.

Dad Bod Time: I refuse to dignify that with a response.

Haggis: Kira can’t you ask ziyal? She’s with Dukat right?

Nerys Get Your Gun: YES 

Nerys Get Your Gun: hold on

-

Nerys Get Your Gun _has sent a private message to_ Pablo Pic-asshole

Nerys Get Your Gun: Hey, can you hand your PADD to Dukat.

Pablo Pic-asshole _is now online._

Pablo Pic-asshole: OMG really?

Pablo Pic-asshole: hold on

Pablo Pic-asshole: Can I help you, Major Kira?

Pablo Pic-asshole: Or, given these nicknames, did a 10 year old hack this channel.

Nerys Get Your Gun: oh shut up. I need the list of all Cardassian override codes.

Pablo Pic-asshole: Major, there are 500 of those. You’ll have to be more specific.

Nerys Get Your Gun: no. just send the list.

Pablo Pic-asshole: I lack access to the list you speak of.

Nerys Get Your Gun: you’re a gul! That’s the second highest rank. Just demand it. like you demanded everything else in your fucking life.

Pablo Pic-asshole: Major, I command a transport ship with my half-Bajoran illegitimate daughter. We are stuck in Klingon space and my second-in-command is a gay alchoholic. No Legate is sending me anything. 

Pablo Pic-asshole: and i have asked.

Nerys Get Your Gun: wow. I should thank Ziyal for finally giving you a sense of humor. Fine, send me the override codes for Operations 10, 42, and 80. 

Pablo Pic-asshole: Which one are you suffering under?

Nerys Get Your Gun: I'm not telling you, Dukat.

Pablo Pic-asshole: I find your lack of trust rather… hurtful.

Nerys Get Your Gun: I have no reason to trust you. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: none

Nerys Get Your Gun: NONE

Pablo Pic-asshole: I suppose that... is my own fault. Let’s rectify that, shall we?

Pablo Pic-asshole: All override codes are the same. 119087. Use them at your discretion. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: Tell Ziyal I’ll skype her tonight.

Pablo Pic-asshole: Good luck, Major.

-

Nerys Get Your Gun: It’s 119087. Hurry up **@Haggis** after talking to Dukat I need a shower.

Nerys Get Your Gun: preferably three.

Haggis: Tell Julian to get off the phone with his boyfriend and I’ll be done in 30 minutes.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: hes having a panic attack shut up miles

Dr. Bashir-Garak: and HES NOT MY BOYFRIEND

  
  
  



	7. Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When someone hurts your Nog, they will suffer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has some references to violence, fire, and poison, all non-fatally done to non-main characters.  
> This got slightly long, so enjoy!

This is my Emotional Support Changeling  _ is now online. _

This is my Emotional Support Changeling  _ has sent a private message to  _ This is my Emotional Support Ferengi.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Odo!!!

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi  _ is now online. _

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Quark.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: I need your assistance to commit a crime.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Do not move, breath, or commit a felony. I will be at the bar momentarily.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi  _ is now offline. _

-

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi  _ is now online. _

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi  _ has sent a private message to  _ Good For the Soul Food.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Has Ensign Nog mentioned the visiting Starfleet cadets to you, commander?

Good For the Soul Food  _ is now online. _

Good For the Soul Food: Not at all. In fact, he seems to be avoiding them, and Jake seems hostile towards them. I was going to ask him about it tonight. Have you come across an explanation?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I just spent 30 minutes talking Quark out of poisoning them when they came to the bar for lunch. He claims they bullied Nog during their stay at the academy. They were unhappy to see a Ferengi in Starfleet.

Good For the Soul Food: Hm. Do you think he’s telling the truth?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I believed he was, but to be certain I brought Rom into my office and asked. He confirmed what happened.

Good For the Soul Food: Thank you for alerting me. Tell Quark that if the cadets arrive at the bar, they will be served by Broik, who will not be informed of this matter. Understood?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Yes, Commander.

-

Good For the Soul Food  _ has sent a private message to  _ Cinnamon Roll.

Good For the Soul Food: Nog, could you meet me in my office in an hour?

Cinnamon Roll  _ is now online. _

Cinnamon Roll: Yes, Commander!

-

Good For the Soul Food  _ has sent a private message to  _ Bow Down to Dax.

Good For the Soul Food: How is bed rest treating you, old man?

Bow Down to Dax  _ is now online. _

Bow Down to Dax: Besides being completely unwarranted and unnecessary??? 

Good For the Soul Food: Dr. Bashir would disagree. You broke quite a few ribs. Worf is still in the infirmary with a concussion.

Bow Down to Dax: so sparring got a little out of hand. 

Bow Down to Dax: lol so what do you need?

Good For the Soul Food: What makes you think I need something?

Bow Down to Dax: because if you didn’t need something you would’ve waited until the end of your shift and come by to gloat in person.

Good For the Soul Food: Touché. 

Good For the Soul Food: I need you to contact Commander Chang and report Ensigns Neeli, Guk, and T’Yun for improper conduct during the academy.

Good For the Soul Food: I’m sending you some testimony to include in your report.

Good For the Soul Food  _ has sent document  _ Nog’s Testimony  _ to  _ Bow Down to Dax.

Bow Down to Dax  _ is now offline. _

Good For the Soul Food: Wait, Dax, I wasn’t finished!

Good For the Soul Food: Dax!

-

Dr. Bashir-Garak  _ is now online. _

Dr. Bashir-Garak  _ has sent a private message to  _ Good For the Soul Food.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: I think you may want to report to the med bay, Commander.

Dr. Bashir-Garak  _ is now offline. _

-

Good For the Soul Food  _ is now online. _

Good For the Soul Food  _ has started a new chat. _

Good For the Soul Food  _ has renamed the chat “ _ Shame on y’all”.

Good For the Soul Food _ has added  _ Bow Down to Dax, Nerys Get Your Gun, Dad Bod Time, Haggis, Flower Power, Dr. Bashir-Garak, Hot for Doctor, This is my Emotional Support Ferengi, This is my Emotional Support Changeling,  _ and  _ Broik  _ to the chat. _

Bow Down to Dax  _ is now online. _

Nerys Get Your Gun  _ is now online. _

Dad Bod Time  _ is now online. _

Haggis  _ is now online. _

Flower Power  _ is now online. _

Dr. Bashir-Garak  _ is now online. _

Hot For Doctor  _ is now online. _

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi  _ is now online. _

This is my Emotional Support Changeling  _ is now online. _

Broik  _ is now online. _

Good For the Soul Food: Ladies. Gentlemen. Odo. I have gathered you here because I cannot even bring myself to confront you about this in person. 

Good For the Soul Food: Dax! I trusted you with sensitive information and expected you to behave in a professional manner, as I would expect any Starfleet officer with you centuries of experience to behave, and instead, you and Mr. Worf challenged the 3 ensigns to a melee battle with Bat’leths!

Dad Bod Time: Sir, it was for their own benefit.

Bow Down to Dax: We just want to help them improve.

Good For the Soul Food: Oh?!

Dr. Bashir-Garak: May I mention that you both were supposed to be on bed rest? You disobeyed my instructions.

Good For the Soul Food: I am afraid you have no high ground to stand on, Doctor. You denied the ensigns pain relief under the guise of the hyposprays ‘expiring.’

Dr. Bashir-Garak: But, Sir! The hyposprays are expired.

Good For the Soul Food: Then why did you use them on Worf and Jadzia?

Dr. Bashir-Garak: …

Good For the Soul Food: Good answer.  **@Nerys Get Your Gun** ,  **@This is my Emotional Support Ferengi** would you care to explain yourselves?

Nerys Get Your Gun: not particularly.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I would rather not, sir.

Good For the Soul Food: Just yesterday I was lamenting how you two appear to be the only adults on my staff, and then you go and pull something like this! 

Good For the Soul Food: Destruction of property is a crime, and discruction of Starfleet property is a crime worthy of expulsion from this station!

Good For the Soul Food: Do you have any idea how much paperwork I will be filling out over the next week to explain why the 3 ensigns lost all their clothes in an arson fire?! They were left walking around in their pajamas!

Nerys Get Your Gun: my bad.

Good For the Soul Food: And you  **@Hot for Doctor** .

Hot for Doctor: Whatever did I do, Commander Sisko?

Hot for Doctor: I’ve been recovering from a panic attack in my quarters since 1500.

Good For the Soul Food: Which happens to be exactly when the fire set by Major Kira and the Constable was set. Closing your shop meant that the ensigns were forced to appear in front of Major Chang in tattered shirts and underwear.

Hot for Doctor: Their lack of fashion sense is hardly my fault.

Good For the Soul Food: This is why I have high blood pressure.  **@Haggis** would you care to explain why the heat in the ensigns’ quarters was turned up to 85 degrees, then the thermostat was shut off?

Haggis: This station is a mess, sir. You are assigning blame where no blame is due.

Good For the Soul Food: Oh?

Flower Power: I think Miles is right, Benjamin. 

Flower Power: if i may ask, why am I here?

Flower Power: I didn’t do anything to those ensigns.

Good For the Soul Food: Oh?! 

Godo For the Soul Food: then where did Broik and Quark get the Kaylo fruit they used to poison the ensigns?

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: HOW DARE YOU? That is preposterous.

Broik: We would never do such a thing.

Good For the Soul Food  _ has changed  _ Broik’ _ s name to  _ Lying Liar Who Lies.

Lying Liar Who Lies: Sir!

Good For the Soul Food: I understand you care about Nog.

Good For the Soul Food: But this behavior is completely outrageous. Assault, arson, poison, property damage! 

Good For the Soul Food: You all have left me no choice.

Good For the Soul Food: Deanna Troi will be conducting a physiological evaluation of each person in this chat to determine whether you are fit for continued duty.

Haggis: Sir!

Bow Down to Dax: Benjamin, that is a massive overreaction.

Good For the Soul Food: I’m afraid it’s no longer my call. Counselor Troi and Lt. Riker will assist myself in running this station until these evaluations are complete. You all will be on limited duty. Garak, Quark, your businesses will be closed until your evaluations are complete.

Hot for Doctor: What!? Commander, with all due respect, that cannot be necessary. 

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: WHAT THE FUCK 

Lying Liar Who Lies: Commander! We’ll lose so much latinum if we’re forced to close.

Good For the Soul Food: You all have brought this on yourselves. The ensigns will be picked up in an hour and receive punishment for their actions. It’s fitting you do the same.

Good For the Soul Food: All of you get back to work. I’m sure it’s been disregarded today so you could torment some young adults. Garak, Quark, Broik, go home. Troi and Riker will arrive in an hour. Am I clear?

Bow Down to Dax: Yes, Benjamin.

Nerys Get Your Gun: Yes, sir.

Dad Bod Time: Yes, sir.

Haggis: Yes, sir.

Flower Power: Yes, Benjamin.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: Yes, sir.

Hot For Doctor: Yes, commander.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Yes, sir.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: fine.

Lying Liar Who Lies: yes, commander.

Good For the Soul Food: Oh, and  **@everyone** ?

Good For the Soul Food: I am very proud of you.

-

Cinnamon Roll  _ is now online. _

Cinnamon Roll: do you guys remember those dickhead cadets who’d grab my ears at the academy?

Pablo Pic-asshole  _ is now online. _

World’s Okayest Son  _ is now online. _

Rum Tum Tugger  _ is now online. _

Rum Tum Tugger: Know them? I prayed the prophets would inflict pain unto them.

Cinnamon Roll: well i think the prophets heard you.

Cinnamon Roll:  **MEDBAY Security Footage.JPG**

Pablo Pic-asshole: OOOOOHHHHHH

World’s Okayest Son: LOLLOLOO

Rum Tum Tugger: HAHAHAHA


	8. Damn, Worf, you live like this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deanna Troi performs some evaluations of the DS9 crew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got slightly long.  
> Enjoy the shippy-ness.  
> Fun fact, my Trekkie mom and her friends used to call Deanna Troi ‘Counselor Cleavage’, so that’s where the name comes from.

William Riker _is now online._

William Riker _has started a new chat._

William Riker _has changed the chat name to "_ Damn, Worf, you live like this? _”_

William Riker _has added_ Deanna Troi _and_ Dad Bod Time _to the chat._

Dad Bod Time _is now online._

Dad Bod Time: Are you referring to the disarray of my quarters, the dysfunction of this space station, or the company consisting of the people who reside here?

Deanna Troi _is now online._

Deanna Troi: *our quarters.

Dad Bod Time: My apologies, my soul.

William Riker _has changed_ Deanna Troi’ _s name to_ Counselor Cleavage.

Counselor Cleavage _has changed_ William Riker’ _s name to_ Newly Single.

Newly Single: Babe, that was uncalled for.

Counselor Cleavage: Was it, my dearest?

Newly Single: YES

Newly Single: Anyways, pardon my French, what the fuck is going on with this station?

Newly Single: Nothing works! I’m in the medbay with a gash on my forehead because i asked the replicator for a pepsi and it exploded in my face.

Dad Bod Time: Perhaps that outcome could have been avoided by ordering a Coca Cola.

Newly Single: wow.

Newly Single: Anyways, O’Brien comes in and he says, ‘oh yeah, we call that one Bessie. She does this at least once a month.’ I asked why he doesn’t fix it permanently and he says, ‘I don’t know! I’m not a doctor.’

Counselor Cleavage: Don’t be too hard on Miles, dear. He seems ridiculously overworked.

Dad Bod Time: Quite different from his days lounging in the teleporter room about the Enterprise.

Counselor Cleavage: Worf! 

Counselor Cleavage: As much as I believe you are overreacting, my dear, this station is… troubled. I sent a message to commander Commander Sisko asking him to number his officers from most to least stressed, and he wrote back: ‘1. Miles O’Brien, 2. Every other officer, 3. Quark.’ 

Counselor Cleavage: I understand that humans tend to put self care after their careers, but for goodness sakes. 

Counselor Cleavage: I had Major Kira over to start out the evaluations and as she left a Bajoran officer snuck up behind her and when he said her name she whipped around and punched him in the face.

Newly Single: Is that the blond bajoran with tampons in his nose in the bed next to me?

Counselor Cleavage: I had to stop the bleeding before we moved him and I’m still moving stuff into my office. 

Counselor Cleavage: So, yes.

-

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now online._

Nerys Get Your Gun _has sent a private message to_ Bow Down to Dax.

Nerys Get Your Gun: so I fucked up my psych eval today.

Bow Down to Dax _is now online._

Bow Down to Dax: Nerrie, I don’t think it’s possible to fuck up a psych eval. It’s all subjective.

Nerys Get Your Gun: as I was leaving a Bajoran rookie came up behind me and without thinking I just punched him.

Nerys Get Your Gun: Troi had to put tampons up his nose.

Bow Down to Dax: Huh. 

Bow Down to Dax: I guess you can fuck up a psych eval.

Nerys Get Your Gun: uuuuugggghhhh.

Nerys Get Your Gun: They’re gonna send me back to Bajor.

Nerys Get Your Gun: I’m gonna have to go back to my d’jarra. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: Have you seen my paintings??

Nerys Get Your Gun: Molly O’Brien could do better and she can’t even hold a paintbrush.

Bow Down to Dax: Take a breath, Nerys. Before you punched this guy what were you talking about?

Nerys Get Your Gun: my childhood i guess. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: She asked me about the resistance and how I was handling the transition to working on DS9.

Bow Down to Dax: That’s good!

Bow Down to Dax: That means she’s probably more interested in how to help you than proving whether you’re fit for duty.

Nerys Get Your Gun: I suppose.

Nerys Get Your Gun: hold on the commanders calling

Nerys Get Your Gun: GUESS WHOS BEEN FULLY REINSTATED FOR DUTY*

Nerys Get Your Gun: *so long as I attend a weekly appointment with the Counselor

Bow Down to Dax: I knew it! 

Bow Down to Dax: I’m proud of you.

-

Dr. Garak-Bashir _is now online._

Dr. Garak-Bashir _has sent a private message to_ Hot For Doctor.

Dr. Garak-Bashir: I am so sorry, Garak, but could we push today’s lunch back until tomorrow?

Dr. Garak-Bashir: It’s the soonest I could get an appointment with Counselor Troi, and I would like to get cleared for full duty as soon as possible.

Dr. Garak-Bashir: I am beginning to realize that beyond seeing you, seeing Miles, and reading, I have no hobbies.

Hot For Doctor _is now online._

Hot For Doctor: I understand, my dear doctor. Commander Sisko insisted on locking the doors of my shop, with little regard to the supplies left behind within it.

Hot For Doctor: I have been forced to sew my current project by hand. My fingers are in agony.

Dr. Garak-Bashir: Tomorrow I’d be happy to give you a hypospray during lunch!

Hot For Doctor: I appreciate that. Please, put in a good word for me with Counselor Troi. I’d love to see her as soon as possible.

Dr. Garak-Bashir: Of course.

-

Counselor Cleavage _is now online._

Counselor Cleavage: **@Dad Bod Time** are Dr. Bashir and the Cardassian tailor a couple?

Dad Bod Time _is now online._

Dad Bod Time: That depends on who you ask.

Counselor Cleavage: And if I were to ask the two of them?

Dad Bod Time: It would depend on which one you asked, and with what company.

Newly Single _is now online._

Newly Single: I almost miss the days when Captain Picard publicly shamed anyone who dared exhibit any evidence of desire or longing for another person.

Counselor Cleavage: For an aromantic, he sure brought a lot of couples together.

-

Flower Power _is now online._

Flower Power _has sent a private message to_ Haggis.

Flower Power: how’d your meeting with Counselor Troi go? What'd she say?

Haggis _is now online._

Haggis: well last night you said “i might as well be your therapist, i know you so well” so what do you think she said?

Flower Power: you are overworked, overly anxious, and put too much pressure on yourself?

Haggis: she also said she’d already discussed this with you and you had a solution to propose.

Haggis: I already told you, Keiko, I do not want to take some holodeck vacation to the beach. I am fulfilled by my work, and I enjoy it. Just like I enjoy my time with you and Molly.

Flower Power: what if I told you the vacation I had planned was for the three of us to Cahir Castle, with a full staff of holographic maids programmed to make Commander Sisko’s great grandfather’s Irish recipes?

Haggis: I’d tell you that I’d divorce you just so I could marry you again rn.

Flower Power: What can I say? I’m a catch.

Haggis: so when do we depart to heaven?

Flower Power: whenever you get home.

Haggis: Give me an hour.

Flower Power: an hour!? Miles, come on. This station will not disintegrate without your presence. 

Haggis: I know, but I do feel like I owe it to Riker to fix Bessie for real this time. She gave him a concussion.

-

This is my Emotional Support Changeling _is now online,_

This is my Emotional Support Changeling _has sent a private message to_ This is my Emotional Support Ferengi.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: A little birdie told me you had your appointment with that pretty counselor today.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Did you get cleared for duty or do I get to break out the good wine tonight?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I’d hate to ruin a good time, but I have been cleared for duty.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: damn. There goes my night.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Oh, and Odo?

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Standing up for Nog like that took guts.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Guts? 

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: courage. It took courage. So… thanks.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: You are welcome.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Now, if you’ve received the information you desired from this conversation, I do have work to do.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Work not at the bar?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Contrary to your belief, I do have other duties.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: but none that light up your heart quite the same way?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Goodbye, Quark.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now offline._

_-_

Counselor Cleavage _is now online._

Counselor Cleavage _has sent a private message to_ Good For the Soul Food.

Counselor Cleavage: Hello, Commander. I have completed the psychological evaluations of all senior staff members. All are fit for duty, though Chief O’Brien requires an extra 20 hours off a week, and Major Kira will benefit from a weekly appointment with me, and Odo a monthly appointment. 

Good For the Soul Food _is now online._

Good For the Soul Food: That is excellent news, Counselor Troi.

Counselor Cleavage: Tomorrow I can begin the evaluations of Misters Garak, Quark, and Broik.

Good For the Soul Food: Ah, actually there is no need to evaluate Quark and Broik. They are quite close with Nog, and their reactions were understandable. I simply wanted to give the illusion of punishment. Mr. Garak need not be evaluated for fitness, however he did actually suffer a claustrophobic attack at 1500 hours last week. I believe he could benefit from a weekly appointment.

Counselor Cleavage: Of course. I’ll contact him tonight.

Good For the Soul Food: If I may ask, Counselor, have you given any thought to my offer?

Counselor Cleavage: I have. It is an incredibly kind offer, but you must understand my hesitation. This station could not be more different from the Enterprise.

Counselor Cleavage: I suppose I am resistant to a change that has already occurred. Captain Picard retired to his family vineyard last year. Dr. Crusher started teaching at the academy. Even Data and Geordi moved to Earth to open an orphanage for androids.

Good For the Soul Food: I do understand your hesitation. I would greatly appreciate if you chose to stay, though I doubt I would appreciate it to the degree Mr. Worf would.

Counselor Cleavage: No, I don’t think you would. 

Counselor Cleavage: Thank you, Commander. Riker and I will be applying for a transfer to DS9.

Good For the Soul Food: I’m very glad to hear that. You, Mr. Riker, and Mr. Worf must join Jake and I for dinner this week.

Counselor Cleavage: I would love that. 

Good For the Soul Food: I will speak to Jake concerning possible times, then consult with the three of you tomorrow. 

Good For the Soul Food: Also, for my own peace of mind, are you aware that your username is visible to anyone you message?

Counselor Cleavage: No, I am not. If you’ll excuse me, Commander, I need to go yell at my boyfriend.


	9. Snippits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake and his friends have some conversations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty short, but I wanted to write a little something today, even tho I'm tired.  
> Enjoy!

World’s Okayest Son  _ is now online. _

World’s Okayest Son: thge show starts in 10 minutes y’all better be ready.

Pablo Pic-asshole  _ is now online. _

Pablo Pic-asshole: oh thank prophets. I've spent the last hour trying to ignore my father and the Glinn arguing in the common room.

Rum Tum Tugger  _ is now online. _

Rum Tum Tugger: Kotan says arguing is considered affectionate for Cardassians.

Cinnamon Roll  _ is now online _ .

Cinnamon Roll: affectionate like friends or affectionate like dating?

Pablo Pic-asshole: I’m beginning to suspect it's the latter.

World’s Okayest Son: I am so telling my dad about that.

Pablo Pic-asshole: do you wanna video chat? I can use it as an excuse to go to our quarters.

Cinnamon Roll: im down if you don’t mind my dad and Leeta tagging along.

Rum Tum Tugger: would it be alright if Kotan watched with us? 

World’s Okayest Son: I’m down! 

World’s Okayest Son  _ has started a video call. _

-

Pablo Pic-asshole: I went into the replicator room of our quarters to ge t a glass of water in the middle of the night anD THEY WERE KISSING

Cinnamon Roll  _ is now online. _

Cinnamon Roll: HO

Rum Tum Tugger  _ is now online. _

Rum Tum Tugger: Kotan is losing his shit rn

World’s Okayest Son  _ is now online. _

World’s Okayest Son: this is going in my tell-all autobiography.

-

Rum Tum Tugger  _ is now online. _

Rum Tum Tugger: ok can we all agree Kanar is fucking nasty?

Rum Tum Tugger: Kotan agreed to help me do a Bajoran ceremony that needs springwine but we didm’t have any so we used Kanar.

Rum Tum Tugger: its so gross.

Pablo Pic-asshole  _ is now online. _

Pablo Pic-assho le: AY, AV. CD.

World’s Okayest Son  _ is now online. _

World’s Okayest Son: RIP

Cinnamon Roll  _ is now online. _

Cinnamon Roll: Yop-im too.

Cinnamon Roll: tho i bet its not any worse than that waterbug tomato margarita jake tried to make me eat.

World’s Okayest Son: IT WAS A SHRIMP COCKTAIL

Pablo Pic-asshole: ick

Pablo Pic-asshole: what about that bowl of grass???

World’s Okayest Son: IT WAS A GARDEN SALAD

Rum Tum Tugger: the kanar did make me feel warm. 

Rum Tum Tugger: so it was technically better than that cow breastmilk corn soup he made.

World’s Okayest Son: IT WAS CORN CHOWDER

Pablo Pic-asshole  _ has changed  _ World’s Okayest Son’ _ s name to  _ World’s Okayest Chef.

World’s Okayest Chef: I really don’t know why tf I’m here.

-

Pablo Pic-asshole  _ is now online. _

Pablo Pic-asshole: I’ve got artists block guys.

Pablo Pic-asshole: what should i draw??

Cinnamon Roll  _ is now online. _

Cinnamon Roll: me

Rum Tum Tugger  _ is now online. _

Rum Tum Tugger: me

World’s Okayest Chef  _ is now online. _

World’s Okayest Chef: me

Pablo Pic-asshole: you people are so immature.

Pablo Pic-asshole  _ is now offline. _

-

Pablo Pic-asshole  _ is now online. _

Pablo Pic-asshole:  **mynewestdrawing.jpg**

Pablo Pic-asshole: I decided I might as well practice my portraits if you all are gonna be self centered. So I just drew all of us together.

World’s Okayest Chef  _ is now online. _

Rum Tum Tugger  _ is now online. _

Cinnamon Roll  _ is now online. _

Pablo Pic-asshole: do you guys like it?

World’s Okayest Chef  _ has changed his wallpaper to  _ **mynewestdrawing.jpg.**

Rum Tum Tugger  _ has changed his wallpaper to  _ **mynewestdrawing.jpg.**

Cinnamon Roll  _ has changed his wallpaper to  _ **mynewestdrawing.jpg.**

Cinnamon Roll: i love it

World’s Okayest Chef: iom totally not crying

Rum Tum Tugger: its so good

Pablo Pic-asshole: !!!! :)

-

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi  _ is now online. _

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi  _ has sent a private message to  _ Good For the Soul Food.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Sir, why does your son keep sending messages to Cardassian airspace?

Good For the Soul Food  _ is now online. _

Good For the Soul Food: I told Jake to stop doing that but.... I’m afraid keeping Jake from his friends takes much more effort than I care to expend.

Good For the Soul Food: Thank you for alerting me, Constable. I can always count on you.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Thank you, Commander. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some translations!  
> 'Yop-im too' is Ferengi for 'I'm sorry.'  
> AY, AV. CD. is an abbreviation for Ahn-kay ya, ay-ya vasu. Coh-ma-ra, di-nay-ya, the Bajoran death chant. I couldn't think of a better Bajoran equivalent of Rip.


	10. Children's day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as Alexander arrives on DS9, Keiko throws a party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be aware, I am not Japanese, so my representation of Children's day may be off.  
> Please enjoy this chapter!

Flower Power _is now online._

Flower Power _has created a new chat._

Flower Power _has renamed the chat_ “Children’s Day.”

Flower Power _has added_ Haggis, Good For the Soul Food, Nerys Get Your Gun, Bow Down to Dax, Dr. Garak-Bashir, This is my Emotional Support Ferengi, Dad Bod Time, Counselor Cleavage, Newly Single, You Spin Me ‘Round, _and_ Moogie _to the chat._

Flower Power: Ohayō gozaimasu! Miles and I would like to invite all of you, and your children, to celebrate Kodomo no Hi, or Children’s Day, in the schoolhouse with us in one week, on the 5th of March.

Flower Power: We will raise Koinobori, and hold a party. Miles will be cooking for you! He is incredibly talented at making sashimi. We will also present the children with gifts to show our appreciation for their happiness!

Good For the Soul Food _is now online._

Good For the Soul Food: That sounds wonderful, Keiko! Jake and I will be there. Can we bring anything?

Flower Power: No need! Jake may be 17, but he’s still a child worth celebrating. He should be there to receive gifts (money is better for older kids) and mingle with his friends.

Flower Power: **@You Spin Me ‘Round** , **@Moogie** and Nog as well! 

Moogie _is now online._

Moogie: we will be there!

You Spin Me ‘Round _is online._

You Spin Me ‘Round: That is so kind of you, Keiko! We will happily attend <3

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now online,_

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I will attend this gathering… Quark would like to attend as well.

Flower Power: If he can get his hands on 10 bottles of shirozake, he is welcome to attend.

Dad Bod Time _is now online._

Dad Bod Time: Alexander is arriving later today, and I have confidence he would enjoy himself at a party such as this. However, I must know the significance of this festival. If it is an act of worship, I am afraid Jews may not participate.

Flower Power: Of course! No need to worry, children’s day is an old festival to show appreciation for children’s happiness as well as their personalities and individuality.

Dad Bod Time: Thank you for informing me. We will be in attendance, and we will select a present for Molly, and paper money for Nog and Jake. 

Haggis _is online._

Haggis: My lovely wife is neglecting to mention, it is also a celebration of mothers. You express gratitude for all they do. In Jake, Nog, and Alexander’s cases, it would be reasonable to express your gratitude to Commander Sisko, Rom, and Worf in the form of a gift. 

Dad Bod Time: That is completely unnecessary.

Newly Single _is now online._

Newly Single: C’mon, Worf. Mrs. O’Brien is connecting us with her heritage and passing on invaluable traditions to the youth of this station. Who are we to stand in the way of that?

Flower Power: Thank you, Mr. Riker!

Dad Bod Time: Fine.

Moogie: its nice to be appreciated. i love gifts.

Good For the Soul Food: Indeed. I would greatly enjoy to participate in this part of the tradition. 

Good For the Soul Food: Maybe, as a gift, I will receive some Pinot Grigio. 

Good For the Soul Food: **@Bow Down to Dax**

Bow Down to Dax _is now online._

Bow Down to Dax: Hint taken, Benjamin. 

Bow Down to Dax: Kira and I would love to attend.

Dr. Bashir-Garak _is now online._

Dr. Bashir-Garak: “I will attend as well. Garak would like to know if the invitation could extend to him? There is a similar festival held every year on Cardassia.” - Sent with voice chat.

Haggis: It's the middle of your shift, why is Garak there?

Bow Down to Dax: ;)

Dr. Bashir-Garak: wow. 

Flower Power: Of course he may attend! In fact, I was on my way to his shop to ask him to help me acquire Koinobori. 

Flower Power: But i suppose he isn’t in his shop ;)

Dr. Bashir-Garak: WOW.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: “Garak is in his shop, I was just in there to sanitize a table exposed to bodily fluid.” - Sent with voice chat.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: BLOOD BLOOD IT WAS BLOOD A CUSTOMER FAINTED AND HIT THEIR HEAD

Good For the Soul Food: Good, because I almost contacted Star Fleet and requested a ‘sexuality in the workplace’ seminar.

Good For the Soul Food: ;)

Dr. Bashir-Garak: WOOOOOOOWWWWWWW

Haggis _has renamed the chat_ “Stone the twink.”

Dr. Bashir-Garak: Miles, you are the worst. The absolute worst.

Haggis: wow.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: .بيضان

Haggis: WOW. 

-

World’s Okayest Chef _is now online._

World’s Okayest Chef _has sent a private message to_ Alexander Rozhenko.

World’s Okayest Chef: Hey, Alexander!

Alexander Rozhenko: Who is this?

World’s Okayest Chef: OMG sorry i forgot about my nickname.

World’s Okayest Chef: this is Jake Sisko.

Alexander Rozhenko: My apologies, Jake. 

World’s Okayest Chef: how are you settling into the station?

Alexander Rozhenko: I… am settling.

World’s Okayest Chef: thats a mood. 

World’s Okayest Chef: listen some of the kids who’ve lived here have a group chat. Not all of them still live here, but we play games and watch tv together on the Padds. I know you haven’t met all of them in person yet, but I was wondering if you’d like to join?

World’s Okayest Chef: I’m sure between your dad, Riker, and Troi you have plenty of people to talk to, but i thought you might like to talk to someone your own age.

Alexander Rozhenko: I… don’t know. I can’t help but feel embarrassed about my situation.

Alexander Rozhenko: On Earth, the other children would tease me for my religion, my heritage. I had hopes that Deep Space 9 would be a sanctuary, but I appear to have miscalculated. I’m afraid things are no different here. They even seem to be worse.

Alexander Rozhenko: I am still ¾ Klingon, raised by Jews. The Bajorans reject my father’s relationship with William and Deanna, their children call me names when they pass by. I would like nothing more than to make some friends, but I hesitate. I do not want them to think badly of me.

World’s Okayest Chef: hold on a second, Alexander.

-

World’s Okayest Chef _has added_ Alexander Rozhenko _to_ “Come, little children.”

World’s Okayest Chef: guys, this is Alexander Rozhenko. He’s Worf’s son. 

Pablo Pic-asshole _is now online._

Rum Tum Tugger _is now online._

Cinnamon Roll _is now online._

World’s Okayest Chef: His father is in a polyamorous relationship with Counselor Troi and Will Riker. He’s ¼ human, but was raised mainly by Worf and his grandparents, who’re all Jewish. He’s 14 and he’ll be living on DS9 for a while. The station isn’t too friendly about his situation. I thought you guys would be. 

Pablo Pic-asshole: It’s all cool kanar, babe! I’m Tora Ziyal. Pronouns she/they. 

Rum Tum Tugger: What i wouldnt give for my life to be half that exciting. I’m Rugal Pa’dar. He/they pls.

Cinnamon Roll: Hey, Alexander! We haven’t met yet but im actually on DS9 with you. Im Nog. He/him.

Alexander Rozhenko: It’s very nice to meet all of you. Thank you for being so accepting.

Pablo Pic-asshole: all of us know what it’s like to feel like an outsider. I was too Cardassian for Bajor, and too Bajoran for Cardassia. Now I live on a cargo ship with my dad and his alcoholic boyfriend. 

World’s Okayest Chef: her dad is Gul Dukat btw

Alexander Rozhenko: … _the_ Gul Dukat?

Pablo Pic-asshole: yep. Rugal was raised by Bajorans, but now he lives on Cardassia with his birth father. 

Rum Tum Tugger: Cardassian kids don’t like me much. They try to rip off my Bajoran earring, and they don’t like that my father encourages my religion.

Pablo Pic-asshole: and Star Fleet wasn’t exactly ready for a Ferengi to join their ranks. 

Cinnamon Roll: at the academy, students would throw those little chocolate coins on me everywhere i went. Jokes on them tho it was delicious.

Alexander Rozhenko: Do you mean Gelt?

Cinnamon Roll: Thats the word for it! Yeah gelt.

World’s Okayest Chef: I’ve always been lucky, since im human, but there are still those on earth who think my skin color makes me different from other humans.

World’s Okayest Chef: its stupid. But I don't need them. I've got you guys!

World’s Okayest Chef: and now, you’ve got us.

Pablo Pic-asshole _changed_ Alexander Rozhenko’ _s name to_ Our Funky Little Jew.

Our Funky Little Jew: Thank you. All of you.

-

Our Funky Little Jew _has started a new chat._

Our Funky Little Jew _has added_ Dad Bod Time, Counselor Cleavage, _and_ Newly Single _to the chat._

Our Funky Little Jew: Do you think Mrs. O’Brien would allow me to video chat Rugal Pa’dar and Tora Ziyal during the Children’s Day celebration next week? 

Dad Bod Time _is now online._

Dad Bod Time: I will ask her. I am glad to see you making friends.

-

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now online._

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _has sent a private message to_ This is my Emotional Support Changeling.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Quark, I require your assistance.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling _is now online._

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Of course. Where’s the body?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I’ll pretend I did not read that.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Quark, you have a mind not unlike that of a child.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Sure.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Do you have any idea what Molly O’Brien would like to receive for Children’s day?

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Something shiny. Kids love shiny things.

-

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now online._

Nerys Get Your Gun _has sent a private message to_ Bow Down to Dax.

Nerys Get Your Gun: Can I give Molly O’Brien a phaser for children’s day?

Bow Down to Dax _is now online._

Bow Down to Dax: no, babe.

Nerys Get Your Gun: whew. I’m glad I checked.

-

Hot For Doctor _is now online._

Hot For Doctor _has sent a private message to_ Dr. Garak-Bashir.

Hot For Doctor: Doctor, have you determined what gift you are giving Molly O’Brien for Children’s day?

Dr. Garak-Bashir _is now online._

Dr. Garak-Bashir: Yes! I tracked down a replicator pattern for a Doctor Doll, who comes with a bag of miniature medical devices for playing make believe.

Hot For Doctor: Ah, I’m sure she’ll enjoy that.

Dr. Garak-Bashir: Have you found a gift?

Dr. Garak-Bashir: Maybe a lock picking kit?

Hot For Doctor: Now my dear doctor, what business does a simple tailor have giving a child a lock picking kit?

-

Good For the Soul Food _is now online._

Good For the Soul Food _has sent a private message to_ Kasidy Yates.

Good For the Soul Food: I told you that you would not want to miss the Children’s day celebration.

Kasidy Yates _is now online._

Kasidy Yates: You were right, I greatly enjoyed myself.

Kasidy Yates: Of course, if offered enough Sake, I’d jump in a sewage drain.

Good For the Soul Food: Touche, my dear.

Kasidy Yates: I’ll always cherish your manly tears when Rom presented Quark with a gift for his involvement in raising Nog.

Good For the Soul Food: It was a touching moment showing how far from tradition Rom and Quark strayed to gibe nog a good lige.

Kasidy Yates: Aww, babe, are you crying?

Good For the Soul Food: the crewq is mu family, Kassy, i can’t helk it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> بيضان is Arabic for eggs and is Egyptian Arabic slang for testicles!  
> Koinobori is the Japanese word for the Carp wind socks (I cannot think of a better word right now, I have low spoons) that are raised on Children’s day.


	11. Risa Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Odo and Kira go on an away mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some references to STI's in this chapter, as well as contagious disease (all non-fatal).  
> Please enjoy this chapter!

Good For the Soul Food _is now online._

Good For the Soul Food _has started a new chat._

Good For the Soul Food _has renamed the chat_ “Risa Mission 2370.”

Good For the Soul Food _has added_ Nerys Get Your Gun _and_ This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _to the chat._

Good For the Soul Food: Major, Constable, you will be leaving for Risa at 0700 hours tomorrow. 

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now online._

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now online._

Nerys Get Your Gun: Commander, I thought we were leaving at 2000 hours tonight.

Good For the Soul Food: You were. Your runabout exploded due to a fuel leak. Chief O’Brien is fixing the problem.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: You can fix an explosion?

Good For the Soul Food: I misspoke. He found the same issue on Runabout B and is fixing that.

Nerys Get Your Gun: What are we even doing on Risa, Commander?

Good For the Soul Food: Do you even read the reports I send you?

Nerys Get Your Gun: I skim them!

Good For the Soul Food: Skim?

Nerys Get Your Gun: Yeah, I look for buzzwords. You know like Cardassian, murder, fire fight expected, shoot to kill. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: The important stuff.

Good For the Soul Food: Good god, woman.

Good For the Soul Food: Constable, please tell me you read the report and will fill in the Major.

Good For the Soul Food: In person, preferably. So she won’t need to ‘skim’.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I will do that, Commander.

Nerys Get Your Gun: May I go, Commander? I’ve been awake since 0300 this morning and if we’re not leaving tonight, I need to get some sleep.

Good For the Soul Food: Dismissed. Also, stop getting up that early! I feel like I’m raising you people.

Nerys Get Your Gun: I mean… goodnight, dad.

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now offline._

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Commander, may I ask for a favor?

Good For the Soul Food: You may ask.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I make it a point to visit Quark’s at least once a day. I fear if this ritual ceases, even for the three days we are marked to be gone, Quark may believe no one is monitoring him. 

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I was wondering if you would be willing to visit once a day. I understand your schedule is crowded, but I fear none of my Bajoran officers are quite up to the task.

Good For the Soul Food: Though I’ll never be able to match the confused romantic energy you two manage to exude when in each other’s presence, I will monitor his activities while you are gone.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Commander, we do not exude romantic energy!

Good For the Soul Food _is now offline._

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Never tell him you think we exude romantic energy.

-

Dr. Bashir-Garak _is now online._

Dr. Bashir-Garak _has sent a private message to_ Haggis.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: If you’re still working on that spaceship I am sending a nurse to sedate you.

Haggis _is now online._

Haggis: I’m still at work, but the Risa mission isn’t happening until I get this done.

Haggis: This station needs my sorry Irish ass, Julian.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: One of these days you’re gonna keel over and die and then we’ll really realize how much we need you.

Haggis: That’s how I plan on goin’ out. 

Haggis: What are you doing?

Dr. Bashir-Garak: I’m transferring all the medical data to our PADDs.

Haggis: STILL? 

Haggis: You started that shit a month ago.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: It’s like playing that old Earth game whack a mole. I have the files in the Cardassian system, the files in the Bajoran system, the Federation files, and the Star Fleet files. 

Dr. Bashir-Garak: And everytime I think I have it under control, someone else moves here or has an allergic reaction or gets in a bar fight.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: Do you know how many people came in with alien STIs last month?

Haggis: I’ll guess… 5?

Dr. Bashir-Garak: 8! 8 itchy, scaly, flaky infections.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: 3 of which were the same person.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: I had to explain to a Klingon what a condom was.

Haggis: On that lovely note, do you wanna come to the hanger bay and have dinner tonight?

Haggis: You can bring your files and shit with you.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: I’ll be there, Miles. What’s your order?

Haggis: Corned beef hash and a bottle of Kilkenny, please.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: I just described the 8 STIs I’ve treated in the last month and somehow that is the most upsetting thing I’ve heard today.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: Be there in 20.

-

This is my Emotional Support Changeling _is online._

This is my Emotional Support Changeling _has sent a private message to_ This is my Emotional Support Ferengi.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: ODO

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: How could you leave without saying goodbye?

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: I open my heart to you and this is what I get??!!

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now online._

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Quark, I am with Major Kira investigating a terrorist bombing on the surface of the planet Risa. 

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I was instructed to not inform anyone except my fellow senior officers about the mission prior to my leaving.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Not even your boyfriend?!

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Is that what we are?

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: We really should discuss this, shouldn’t we?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: No. If we discuss this, I may change my mind.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: ABOUT??

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Being your… boyfriend.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I will be back in two days. I will bring dinner from Risa. Shall we meet in your quarters?

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: We shall. ;)

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I cannot believe I find this behavior even remotely enjoyable.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Aww. You love me.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: And I suppose you love me.

-

Bow Down to Dax _is now online._

Bow Down to Dax _has sent a private message to_ Nerys Get Your Gun.

Bow Down to Dax: How’s Risa, babe?

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now online._

Nerys Get Your Gun: This planet makes me uncomfortable.

Bow Down to Dax: How so?

Nerys Get Your Gun: I went undercover yesterday. We were mid conversation and we ended up getting a massage.

Nerys Get Your Gun: I spent the whole time so tense because I thought it was a ploy to get my defenses down. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: And I don’t know why people get massages. You're naked and it hurts. If I wanted to be naked and in pain I’d have sex with a Cardassian, like a normal person.

Nerys Get Your Gun: And if I never have to smell essential oils again it’ll be too soon.

Bow Down to Dax: You know, when Emony retired from gymnastics she worked at a spa for athletes. I’d be happy to see if I can... improve the experience. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: Y’know, maybe I spoke too soon.

Bow Down to Dax: I’ll do some practicing to get ready for when you come back. 

Bow Down to Dax: Also, this is random, but word at the weekly Tonga game is that Odo and Quark are dating. Can you confirm or deny???? 

Nerys Get Your Gun: No, sorry. Odo’s so private you know and (i actually think they are) him and Quark aren’t that compatible I think.

Bow Down to Dax: Man, I gotta figure it out. And soon. Pel owes me a piece of latinum if it's true. 

Bow Down to Dax: Rom’ll owe me five.

-

Dr. Bashir-Garak _is now online._

Dr. Bashir-Garak _has created a new chat._

Dr. Bashir-Garak _has increased the chat’s clearance level to_ Med Clearance 4.

Dr. Bashir-Garak _has added_ Nerys Get Your Gun _and_ This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _to the chat._

Dr. Bashir-Garak: I just got a very animated call from the Risa public health minister. There is a seasonal Risa virus that recently mutated to become compatible with non-Risidian individuals. He suspects both of you became infected by drinking the water.

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now online._

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now online._

Nerys Get Your Gun: What are the symptoms? I was about to come see you.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: What are your symptoms?

Nerys Get Your Gun: Headache, aches, sore throat.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: What about you Odo?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I did not drink any water on Risa, but I feel sluggish and sore. I was also about to see you to pinpoint a cause.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: Did you swim on Risa, Odo?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I fell into the water while struggling with a suspect.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: That’ll do it. The antidote is on it’s way, so I need both of you to report to sickbay at 1000. 

Dr. Bashir-Garak: The Health Minister indicated the disease can be transmitted both through sexual intercourse and kissing. 

Dr. Bashir-Garak: Feel free to send a separate message personally, but I need to know if you've possibly infected anyone else.

Nerys Get Your Gun: I should probably bring Jadzia with me.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: If that is how it is transmitted, I should bring Quark to see you as well.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: Understood. I’ll wait for the 4 of you.

-

Bow Down to Dax: Guess to made 30 latinum at Tongo today?

Nerys Get Your Game: I thought Ferengi wouldn’t bet more than 1 latinum each on Tongo?

Bow Down to Dax: oh no I made 30 latinum for having the closest guess to when Quark and Odo would actually get together.

Nerys Get Your Gun: haha. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: So we’re definitely going on a double date right?

Bow Down to Dax: If we don’t I’m suing.

Nerys Get Your Gun: Suing who?

Bow Down to Dax: I don't know yet. Maybe myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if there are any scenarios or plots you would like to see! I work well with prompts :)


	12. The Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kai Winn is worst girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Please enjoy this chapter and let me know if there is any content (situations, charactors, and/or ships) you'd like to see in the future.

Good For the Soul Food _is now online._

Good For the Soul Food _has sent a new message to_ “Senior Command DS9”.

Good For the Soul Food: Everyone, please sound off with location and current activity.

Dr. Bashir-Garak _is now online._

Dr. Bashir-Garak: “Medbay, Sir. I’m eating lunch between patients.” - Sent with voice chat.

Haggis _is now online._

Haggis: I’m in the medbay, watching Julian go to town on a sandwich.

Haggis: Technically, I’m here fixing the medical replicator.

Bow Down to Dax _is now online._

Bow Down to Dax: I’m at Ops.

Dad Bod Time _is now online._

Dad Bod Time: I am at Ops as well.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now online._

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I am in my office.

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now online._

Nerys Get Your Gun: Ops.

Cinnamon Roll _is now online._

Cinnamon Roll: I’m logging cargo in hanger bay 3.

Nerys Get Your Gun: Commander, you’re still in your office!

Nerys Get Your Gun: Why didn’t you just summon all of us?

Good For the Soul Food: Because if I tell you of my upcoming plan in person I fear I will not leave the room unscathed.

Bow Down to Dax: U good?

Good For the Soul Food: At 0900 tomorrow, Kai Winn is arriving at DS9. She is here to discuss the opening of a Federation Medical Center on Bajor. She has asked to be given a tour of our facilities and to be allowed to see all of our senior staff in action. I agreed.

Good For the Soul Food: Nog, you will be the tour guide.

Haggis: Rest in peace, a leanbh.

Cinnamon Roll: But commander! the last time I saw her she called me a big-eared heathen.

Bow Down to Dax: I know we like to challenge our Ensigns, Benjamin, but Nog surely has better things to do. 

Bow Down to Dax: Less painful things to do.

Good For the Soul Food: I’m aware that the Kai is far from the most pleasant individual to spend extended periods of time with, but Star Fleet officers play politics as often as we fight wars. She is a critical part of the Bajoran healing process. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: That doesn’t make her methods palatable. She’s responsible for the explosion at the schoolhouse.

Haggis: I’ll have to keep Keiko inside our quarters. She’s still mad about what happened. 

Good For the Soul Food: Buck up, all of you. If we can fight the Cardassians, the Circle, and the Jem’Hadar, we can handle Kai Winn. 

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: The commander is right. How long will the Kai’s tour last?

Good For the Soul food: 0910 to 1200 tomorrow. 

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: You want us to spend 3 hours putting on a show for that woman? That is preposterous!

Good For the Soul Food: Odo, come on. Just help me out, all of you. I want O’Brien, Bashir, and Odo in their respective workspaces. Worf, Kira, and Dax, you’ll be in Ops. Nog, meet me at Hanger Bay 1 at 0800 hours. 

-

This is my Emotional Support Changeling _is now online._

This is my Emotional Support Changeling _has started a new chat_.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling _has renamed the chat_ “Best of the Promenade”.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling _has added_ Lysia Arlin, Hot For Doctor, _and_ Kaga _to the chat._

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: I thought you all would like to know that Kai Winn is arriving at the station tomorrow morning.

Hot For Doctor _is now online._

Hot For Doctor: Would anyone care to accompany me on a… last minute trip to Risa?

Kaga _is now online._

Kaga: The honorable thing is to stay, and fight the Bajoran G-d fearer’s inaccurate image of all other cultures as inferior.

Kaga: But, Mr. Garak’s Par'Mach'kai insists I nurse my broken ribs, so I will be happy to travel to Risa. Ms. Lysia, will you be joining us?

Hot For Doctor: He is not my Par’Mach’kai. 

Lysia Arlin _is now online._

Lysia Arlin: With enthusiasm. This place is getting on my nerves. 

Hot For Doctor: I thought you are quarter Bajoran, Ms. Lysia. Don’t you want to welcome your Kai?

Lysia Arlin: I am but Kai Winn is best welcomed from 100 Kellipates away. I won’t be happy until she’s amoran.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling _has changed_ Lysia Arlin’ _s name to_ Smol, Blue, and Angry.

Smol, Blue, and Angry: Quark, do you not have better things to do?Like teach your waiters coping skills?

Hot For Doctor: Coping skills for the Kai’s visit, or coping skills for working under Quark?

Smol, Blue, and Angry: Take your pick.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Maybe the Bajorans and Cardassians would have a better relationship if each side knew they had such similar senses of humor. 

Kaga: And what pathetic senses of humor they are.

Kaga _has changed their name to_ Beyonce.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: I see the R&R has already started for our dear Klingon chef.

Smol, Blue, and Angry: What is a Beyonce?

Beyonce: A human female singer of great renowned who lived during the 21st Century.

Hot For Doctor: Humans consider her royalty. 

Hot For Doctor: So, Quark, are you coming with us to Risa?

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Quark’s bar has not closed once in this fiscal year, and I’m not about to let this Kai change that.

Smol, Blue, and Angry: Are you at least going to give your waiters the day off? Your sister-in-law?

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Yes, yes, I don’t want a repeat of that union situation. Again.

Smol, Blue, and Angry: Wait, Quark, how did you find out about the Kai’s arrival? I didn’t see anything in the Bajoran news, or the station’s news bulletin. 

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: I have an informant. They want to keep their knowledge of information on the downlow, so don’t mention the Kai in your Runabout request.

-

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now online._

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _has sent a private message to_ This is my Emotional Support Changeling.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: QUARK

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Yes, snookums?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Did you tell Kaga, Garak, and Lysia about the Kai’s visit?

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: No.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Then why did Kaga request a runabout for purpose of “avoiding Kai Winn and all her bigoted ideals”?

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: That damn Klingon honor. Always so honest.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Quark, this was a betrayal of my trust. If it gets out among Senior Staff that I revealed highly secretive information about the whereabouts of the head of the Bajoran religious order to my bar owner, Ferengi… swain, I will be demoted. After the public ridicule, of course.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: That’s the most romantic thing I ever heard.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: Odo, you know I wouldn’t tell them about this on a whim. Kai Winn treats Garak like he personally orchestrated the occupation, she thinks Lysia Arlin is part of some conspiracy to invade Bajor, and she thinks Kaga is going to murder every Bajoran on this station in their sleep.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: For all I know, all three of those things are true. 

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: I know those 3, Odo. I just wanted to help them.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Hmmf. And your help wouldn’t have anything to do with that useful piece of information you insisted on telling me over dinner last night?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: That you crunched the numbers and found that if both Kaga and Lysia closed their shops your profits would double during each daily cycle.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: I find the implication repulsive, Odo.

-

Good For the Soul Food _is now online._

Good For the Soul Food _has sent a message to_ “Senior Command DS9”.

Good For the Soul Food: The Kai’s ship left at 1300. Everyone, sound off with how your meetings went. I’d like to know how much shit I have to shovel because of you people.

Cinnamon Roll _is now online._

Cinnamon Roll: well, I think the tour went well. I learned a lot of bajoran racial slurs. halfway through I had to go cry in a security closet, but my dad found me and got me back out there before the kai even finished her lunch break.

Good For the Soul Food: Cadet, take the next few days off. 

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now online._

Nerys Get Your Gun: Well Ops was a mixed bag. 

Dad Bod Time _is now online._

Dad Bod Time: Everything was going well until Riker came in.

Nerys Get Your Gun: Worf and I were talking to the Kai about the differences between Bajoran temples and Earth synagogues, and Riker didn’t realize who she was.

Dad Bod Time: Or, knowing him, he simply did not care.

Nerys Get Your Gun: He gave Worf a kiss and the Kai lost her shit. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: When she found out I was a lesbian she got out of there so fast. 

Nerys Get Your Gun: As she was leaving she said to Nog, ‘please tell me you’re not one of them.’

Nerys Get Your Gun: And he just stood there, white as a sheet. 

Cinnamon Roll: I almost said, ‘for enough latinum i am,’ but i thought better of it.

Bow Down to Dax: I would’ve paid to see that.

Good For the Soul Food: Interesting. If I tell her I’m bisexual, do you think she’ll stop talking to me?

Nerys Get Your Gun: I’m afraid the Emissary is given more grace when it comes to certain… ‘moral failings’.

Haggis _is now online._

Haggis: Things went… better in Engineering. She told me to cut my hair and do something about those ‘disgusting little viper voles’.

Good For the Soul Food: I see the Cardassian Vole problem is still active.

Haggis: If I’m being honest, sir, it’s worse.

Good For the Soul Food: Have you called Gul Evek?

Haggis: 3 times, sir. He’s useless. 

Good For the Soul Food: I’ll pour over the books. **@Dr. Bashir-Garak** **@This is my Emotional Support Ferengi** and for you two?

Dr. Bashir-Garak _is now online._

Dr. Bashir-Garak: It was going well, then she saw my username when I powered the computers on. Then she told me I was a ‘spoon hound’, and when I asked if that was some Bajoran play on ‘poon hound’ she slapped me. 

Dr. Bashir-Garak: So, I’d give the visit about a 4/10.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now online._

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I am grateful to report my visit went smoothly.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Of course, she did make me promise to attend a dinner with her and Dr. Mora, so I will need help coming up with an excuse to not attend.

Nerys Get Your Gun: I’ve got your back there, Odo.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Many thanks.

Good For the Soul Food: Alright, everyone. At 1800, you all, and your families, are welcome to have a little, non-replicated dinner with myself and Jake at our quarters. I owe you all for your efforts.

Bow Down to Dax: Your cooking? Count me in.

Nerys Get Your Gun: That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.

Haggis: Keiko, Molly, and I will be there. Thanks, Commander.

Dad Bod Time: As will William, Deanna, Alexander, and I.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: Not to live up to my username, but could Garak possibly attend? 

Good For the Soul Food: It’s alright with me, so long as the Major is comfortable.

Nerys Get Your Gun: No need to worry about me, Commander. I do believe some Cardassians make good company.

Cinnamon Roll: I’ll be there! thanks commander

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I’m afraid I cannot attend.

Nerys Get Your Gun: Aww, Odo, why not?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: I have prior commitments.

Bow Down to Dax: Such as?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Dinner. With Quark.

Good For the Soul Food: I’m afraid I phrased my invitation wrong, Constable. You all and your families, as well as your beaus, may attend. After all, Kasidy is coming.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: In that case, Commander, we will be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'A leanbh' is Gaelic for 'my child'.  
> 'Par’Mach’kai' is a Klingon term of endearment.  
> 'Amoran' is Bajoran for 'banished'.  
> Kellipate is a Bajoran unit of measurement (similar to an acre, I think).


	13. The Lizard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jadzia finds a lizard. Texting ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is dummy short, but please enjoy!  
> Please be aware there is some implied sexy times between Julian and Garak in the middle of this chapter.   
> Also, gratuitous use of pet names between Worf, Deanna, and Will.

Bow Down to Dax  _ is now online. _

Bow Down to Dax  _ has sent a private message to  _ Dr. Bashir-Garak.

Bow Down to Dax: Julian, do you have any experience treating injured animals?

Dr. Bashir-Garak  _ is now online, _

Dr. Bashir-Garak: Jadzia, it's 0400. What did you do?

Bow Down to Dax: Worf and I are on Soukara. We shut down the Dominion base here, but we found a lizard shot in both its back legs by the Jem’Hadar. 

Bow Down to Dax: It hasn’t lost a lot of blood, it just can’t walk.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: I could probably treat it, but…

Bow Down to Dax: But?

Dr. Bashir-Garak: But you have to talk to Odo before you bring any animals aboard the station.

-

Bow Down to Dax  _ has sent a private message to  _ This is my Emotional Support Ferengi.

Bow Down to Dax: Odo, can I bring an injured lizard aboard the station?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi  _ is now online. _

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Dax, it is 0400. 

Bow Down to Dax: Since when do you sleep?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Since Quark moved my bucket into his quarters and refused to move it back. 

Bow Down to Dax: Aww, you two are cute. 

Bow Down to Dax: So, was that a 'yes, I can bring the lizard onboard'?

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: No.

Bow Down to Dax: Odo! It’s just a lizard. Dr. Bashir is going to take care of it, but he said I needed to check with you.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: And I’m saying no.

Bow Down to Dax: Why?!

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: It could be a Dominion spy. It could harbor a deadly disease. It could be venomous. It could be aggressive. 

Bow Down to Dax: Worf already checked it’s biological makeup! It isn’t a changeling, it isn’t equipped with any man made devices, and it's not sick either! It doesn’t even carry dangerous bacteria like some Terran reptiles.

Bow Down to Dax: It also isn’t venomous. 

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: You had time to do a venom sample?

Bow Down to Dax: … Not exactly.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Hmmf. And what exactly does that mean?

Bow Down to Dax: It means I know it isn’t venomous because it bit me.

Bow Down to Dax: Twice.

Bow Down to Dax: But it really isn’t aggressive.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: You may bring it on the station.

Bow Down to Dax: THANK YOU. 

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Do not let this creature out of your sight. I am only allowing this because I have faith in Worf, and because Quark says if I don’t put the PADD away in the next minute that he will break it.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi  _ is now offline. _

-

Dr. Bashir-Garak  _ has sent a private message to  _ Hot For Doctor.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: Do you know how comparable Cardassian skin is to lizard skin?

Hot For Doctor  _ is now online. _

Hot For Doctor: My dear doctor. It is 4300.

Dr. Bashir-Garak: And?

Hot For Doctor: And I am in your quarters, in bed, alone. 

Hot For Doctor: If you want to learn about Cardassian anatomy, why don’t you come join me?

Dr. Bashir-Garak  _ has changed  _ Hot For Doctor’ _ s name to  _ Horny For Doctor.

Horny For Doctor: What exactly are you doing that requires a knowledge of Cardassian skin?

Dr. Bashir-Garak: Treating an injured lizard.

Horny For Doctor: Of course. Cardassian skin is presumably similar to lizard skin. Dermal regenerators don’t work as quickly on us, due to skin thickness. 

Dr. Bashir-Garak: Noted. I’ll be home in a couple hours. Stay awake for me?

Horny For Doctor  _ has changed  _ Dr. Bashir-Garak’ _ s name to  _ Horny For Tailor.

Horny For Tailor: Guilty as charged.

-

Good For the Soul Food  _ is now online. _

Good For the Soul Food  _ has sent a private message to  _ Bow Down to Dax.

Good For the Soul Food: A little Tarkalean hawk told me you got a pet.

Bow Down to Dax: I talked to Odo an hour ago! 

Bow Down to Dax: He turns in files fast, doesn’t he?

Good For the Soul Food: Faster than you, at least.

Good For the Soul Food: Do you need alterations to your quarters to fit this lizard in?

Bow Down to Dax: Actually, he’s not staying with us.

Good For the Soul Food: … he isn’t?

Bow Down to Dax: No. Kira has a phobia.

Good For the Soul Food: I wasn’t aware Bajor had reptilian creatures.

Bow Down to Dax: Oh, they don’t. I think it’s left over from the occupation.

Good For the Soul Food: Ah. If it isn’t going to stay with you, who’s taking care of it?

-

Dad Bod Time  _ is now online. _

Dad Bod Time  _ has sent a message to  _ “Damn, Worf, you live like this?”

Dad Bod Time: Hello, my heart. My soul.

Newly Single  _ is now online. _

Newly Single: How was the mission, baby? You on your way home?

Dad Bod Time: The mission with Jadzia was a success. We are returning as we speak.

Counselor Cleavage  _ is now online. _

Counselor Cleavage: I cannot wait to see you, beloved. 

Dad Bod Time: The feeling is mutual. How is Alexander?

Counselor Cleavage: He is well! He had dinner with Will and I at Kaga’s last night. We had a great time. 

Newly Single: Do you think he’ll ever stop calling us Ms. Deanna and Mr. Will?

Dad Bod Time: I am glad to hear that you enjoyed yourselves. I’m afraid it will take some time before he is comfortable calling you anything informal. 

Counselor Cleavage: Do not be afraid. I can wait. And, contrary to popular belief, William can as well.

Newly Single: I can wait forever, baby.

Dad Bod Time: Thank you. Tell me, have either of you ever considered expanding our family to include a pet?

Newly Single: Is this your way of saying we might get a cat???

Counselor Cleavage: *A dog.

Nearly Single: Why you gotta be like that, babe?

Dad Bod Time: It is my way of saying Jadzia Dax harassed me until I agreed to temporarily care for an injured lizard.

Counselor Cleavage: I know Alexander would enjoy having a pet around the house regardless of species. I would enjoy it as well.

Newly Single: Ditto. Petition to name him William Junior?

Counselor Cleavage: Denied.

Dad bod Time: Denied.

Newly Single: Ouch.

-

Our Funky Little Jew  _ is now online. _

Our Funky Little Jew  _ has sent a message to  _ “Come, little children.”

Our Funky Little Jew:  **WilliamRikerll.Jpg**

Our Funky Little Jew: We got a new pet.

Pablo Pic-asshole  _ is now online. _

Rum Tum Tugger  _ is now online. _

World’s Okayest Chef  _ is now online. _

Cinnamon Roll  _ is now online. _

Pablo Pic-asshole: AWW

Pablo Pic-asshole: Cardassian lite.

Rum Tum Tugger: He’s cute. I can’t believe you named him after your Yadik.

World’s Okayest Chef: Yeah, that had to have been Riker’s idea, right?

Our Funky Little Jew: Father, Ms. Deanna, and I tried to call him something else, but we were… too late.

Cinnamon Roll: Haha. Quark has been complaining all morning. Apparently Jadzia woke him and Odo up to ask for permission to bring that thing onboard. 

World’s Okayest Chef: HAHA she is iconic.


	14. The Ferengi Army (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ishka arrives at DS9 with an unusual army.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long ass wait in posting this. I started Running Start and my free time went down the drain, but I finally got around to writing this.   
> Thank you so much to all the kind commenters and everyone who left kudos. It brightened my day each time I got one.  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter! A part 2 is coming soon(ish).

Smash the Patriarchy  _ is now online. _

Smash the Patriarchy  _ has sent a private message to  _ Good For the Soul Food.

Smash the Patriarchy: Commander Sisko! 

Good For the Soul Food: Major Kira, if this is about the Cardassians aboard the station, I already told you, they are scientists and we need to bring your peoples together.

Smash the Patriarchy: Unfortunately, I am not your Major. I don’t believe we’ve met, Commander. My name is Ishka.

Good For the Soul Food: As in Quark’s mother?

Good For the Soul Food: You poor woman. What can I do for you?

Smash the Patriarchy: Well, Commander, due to the increasing threat the Dominion poses, I have organized a volunteer army of over 20 Ferengi females. We are known as the Ferengi Females Say Fuck the Dominion Liberation Army.

Good For the Soul Food: Ah, of course. You’ll forgive my misconceptions, but is that not unusual for Ferengi culture?

Smash the Patriarchy: In some ways. Ferengi men are expected to turn a profit, especially during wartime, but Ferengi men were not raised for, nor were they made for, battle. Ferengi females are made of tougher stuff. We clean, we build, and we raise many children. 

Smash the Patriarchy: Armor took some getting used to, but this is our calling.

Smash the Patriarchy: Last night we even managed to defeat a small squadron of Jem’Hadar.

Good For the Soul Food: I see. I overheard Nog boasting about your accomplishments this morning in the replimat. He is very proud.

Smash the Patriarchy: He’s a good boy. Forgive me for being so forward, Commander, but I could use some assistance. 

Smash the Patriarchy: We have a single ship for army use, but it was severely damaged. Our engineers can’t fix it, but my sons tell me Deep Space 9 is home to the most talented engineer they have ever met.

Smash the Patriarchy: If I can tow it over, would you fix it? I also need to acquire armor and clothing for my soldiers.

Good For the Soul Food: Of course. I’ll inform Chief O’Brien that you are on your way. We have a tailor on board who has a surplus of Cardassian armor left behind after their abandonment of the station. He can provide you with what you need.

Smash the Patriarchy: Splendid! Name your price.

Good For the Soul Food: Oh, no need. Joining the fight against the Dominion is cost enough.

Good For the Soul Food: Wait, Ishka- where did you get a PADD?

Smash the Patriarchy  _ is now offline. _

-

Cinnamon Roll  _ is now online. _

Cinnamon Roll  _ has sent a message to  _ “The Fam.”

Cinnamon Roll: The Commander says you’re coming to DS9, grandmoogie! 

This is my Emotional Support Changeling  _ is now online. _

Moogie  _ is now online. _

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: What? When? This is horrible!!!

Moogie: what? when? this is so great!!!!

You Spin Me ‘Round  _ is now online. _

You Spin Me ‘Round: I heard about the Ferengi Female Army! I cannot wait to learn about it from you. When do you arrive?

Smash the Patriarchy: You flatter me, dear daughter-in-law. I’ll arrive tomorrow, and stay until Chief O’Brien finishes fixing my ship.

This is my Emotional Support Changeling: At least tell me you’re bringing Pel.

Smash the Patriarchy: I am bringing Pel.

You Spin Me ‘Round: I’ll plan a girl’s night!

Smash the Patriarchy: Lovely, dear. Now, can you please point me in the direction of your tailor? The armor I’ve been wearing is far too hot.

Moogie:  **@Horny For Doctor**

Smash the Patriarchy: wot

-

Smash the Patriarchy  _ has sent a private message to  _ Horny For Doctor.

Smash the Patriarchy: Is this Mr. Garak, of Garak’s Clothiers?

Horny For Doctor  _ is not online. _

Horny For Doctor: This is they! With whom am I speaking?

Smash the Patriarchy: My name is Ishka, and I am the Accountant in charge of the Ferengi Femfem Gel Oo-vox Je Dominini Liberation Army.

Horny For Doctor: I admit, my Ferengi is rather rusty, but you say your are the Accountant of the Ferengi Females Say Fuck the Dominion Liberation army?

Smash the Patriarchy: Correct.

Horny For Doctor: Thank you for your service. What can I do for you today?

Smash the Patriarchy: You see, the armor that is sold on Ferengar is not made for the fememine physique. I would like to purchase 30 underclothes made up of long underwhear and a long-sleeved trop, as well as enough armor to fit all 30 of us, and about 30 dozen tuniqs or dwesses to wear when off duty. 

Horny For Doctor: How long have you been wearing clothes, Ishka?

Smash the Patriarchy: About a week now. Is it obvious?

Horny For Doctor: A bit. I’ll have your order ready within the week. If you would like to brand the armor, either with a symbol for your army, or your rank, please send me images and specifics.

Smash the Patriarchy: Duly noted. It is important that in this new age of Ferengi society haggling is replaced with acknowledgement and graditure, and thus you will be properly compensated for your efforts. Is 30 bars of latinum a fair price?

Horny For Doctor: I find that to be a very fair price.

-

Horny For Doctor  _ has sent a private message to  _ Horny For Tailor.

Horny For Doctor: I am picking up a feast from Kaga’s on my way home. Tonight we drink bloodwine straight from the bottle.

-

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now online._

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _has sent a private message to_ Good for the Soul Food.

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Commander, Gilora Rejal just visited my office. She received a threatening note telling her to leave the station, as it now belongs to the Bajorans. How should I precede?

Good for the Soul Food _is now online._

Good for the Soul Food: Oh, lord. Dispatch a non-Bajoran security officer to watch her room, interview the most outspoken Bajorans, and tell Rejal that I am inviting her to dinner at my quarters at 1600. 

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi: Yes, sir. 

This is my Emotional Support Ferengi _is now offline._

Good for the Soul Food _took a screenshot of chat._

-

Good for the Soul Food _has sent a private message to_ Nerys Get Your Gun.

Good for the Soul Food _has sent the image_ Screenshot(8).JPG

Good for the Soul Food: Did you do this???

Nerys Get Your Gun _is now online._

Nerys Get Your Gun: no comment.

-

Good For the Soul Food  _ has changed  _ Kasidy Yates’ _ s name to  _ Captain Inamorata.

Captain Inamorata  _ is now online _ .

Captain Inamorata  _ has changed  _ Good For the Soul Food’ _ s name to  _ Chef Inamorato.

Chef Inamorato: How is your day, my love?

Captain Inamorata: Oh, tedious, boring, full of arrogant Cardassians. How go things on your side of the Galaxy?

Chef Inamorato: Oh, alarmingly spontaneous, grating, full of passionate Ferengi. 

Captain Inamorata: I get back to DS9 in 3 days. Am I going to miss this… thrilling display of wartime tomfoolery?

Chef Inamorata: I wish I could say you were, but I suspect this will last a fortnight. 

Captain Inamorata: I see. How are your subordinates taking the new guests?

Chef Inamorato: Well, Jadzia and Quark’s weekly Tongo games are now nightly, and Odo’s getting noise complaints up the wazoo. Major Kira seems to have found an intellectual equal in Ishka. I am fairly certain that Kira and Ishka were behind the threatening note left at Rejal's door . Just when I thought Chief O’Brien was going to be an example of normalcy and work ethic, he found a tub of Tube Grubs in Ishka’s ship and started eating them by the handful. He bought a bar of Latinum’s worth of them, and Keiko is pissed.

Captain Inamorata: I’d be pissed too, if I were her. Bless her vegetarian heart. Is Rejal being a pain?

Chef Inamorato: I'm having her over for dinner tonight, with the hope of smoothing things over before I have to deal with any fallout.

Captain Inamorata: Well, you best keep in congenial, mister. Nothing but smiles, agreement, and kindness.

Chef Inamorato: Of course, my love.

Captain Inamorata: Good. 

Captain Inamorata: What has Dr. Bashir been doing during this mess? 

Chef Inamorato: He is at work, and generally seems to be working. 

Captain Inamorata: As opposed to his co-workers?

Chef Inamorato: Indeed. He appears to be in a rather dismal mood. I suspect it has something to do with the long hours Garak has been putting in working on the armor for the Ferengi Females Say Fuck the Dominion Liberation Army.

Captain Inamorata: …

Captain Inamorata: The what?


End file.
